[This blog entry is Part 2 of a two part series. For Part 1, please click here.]
Anxiety: Hell is the word that comes to mind when trying to describe what generalized social anxiety disorder feels like. It is a constant, seemingly eternal hell that must be lived through every single moment of life. There may be short reprieves for a time, but they never last very long. The hell of generalized social anxiety disorder is always soon to follow.
The anxiety that tormented me was so severe that even while with those whom I considered close friends, I would still experience fear and have heart palpitations.
Afraid of what you may ask? Afraid perhaps of the following:
- That if they really knew me then they wouldn’t like me.
- That they wouldn’t understand the anxiety, depression, or sexual addiction that I struggled with.
- That they would judge me because of my sin.
- That they would reject me.
I would avoid individuals, people, crowds, and generally anyone or anything that required me to interact socially. I would even walk a different route in order to avoid people.
Depression: In my estimation, I have suffered from moderate to severe depression for about half of my life. At times, the depression has been so extreme that I have even contemplated suicide. I have often cursed the day I was born and regretted ever being born as Jeremiah does in the scriptures. It is no fun to hate living and want to die, but that is exactly what I did off and on for many, many years.
Shame and Self-hatred: I felt that I was unworthy and unacceptable. Totally. It was not as if a few seams in the garment of myself needed stitching; the whole fabric was frayed. Everyone else was okay except me. I was flawed beyond repair. Because I believed that “I” was unacceptable, the natural response was to hate myself.
Anger Towards God: I had many “good” reasons for being angry with God. I was angry with God for things that had happened to me in my past – rejection, emotional abuse, etc. I was angry with God for the present struggles that I had – fear, anxiety, depression, lust, etc. I was angry with God because I believed that His character was something it was not. For example, one major thing that I had to overcome was the belief that God was a task-master or slave-driver. This is the belief that God is not interested in us for who we are but only for what we can do for Him.
I may have even projected my earthly father’s character traits onto God – my heavenly Father. My earthly father was physically abusive, had a problem with anger, and rarely if ever told me that he loved me (He now tells me that he loves me quite frequently, thanks to God’s healing and restoration power).
I was also angry with God for not giving me certain things, in my timing, that I felt the Bible promised to believers. For example, I have low frequency hearing loss that resulted, at least in part, from poor choices that I made during my late teenage or early adult years. This has caused me much emotional pain.
Anger Towards People and Unforgiveness: I had incurred deep emotional wounds and there were many specific individuals who were, at least partially, responsible.
2nd – My Experiences and Changes in Working through CR
Working the 12 steps has helped me in many ways. I learned that denying my sins and emotions by keeping them hidden was a bad thing. I learned that “Secrets keep you sick”. I learned that I was not alone in my struggles. Perhaps the greatest lesson that I learned, though, was the importance of accountability. It was here that I met my two best friends and accountability partners.
What I needed the most was to be loved and accepted unconditionally by another human being, whether I deserved it or not. I got this unconditional love and acceptance from my accountability partners. For the first time in my life, I began to truly understand God’s unconditional love and acceptance of me because another human being modeled it to me. From here, God began showing me His true character – His loving, forgiving, and accepting nature. I began to discover that God was not the task master or slave driver that I had once thought Him to be, but instead a loving Father.
3rd – The New Me
With regard to anxiety, I no longer have heart palpitations while in the presence of friends. I believe that God has set me almost completely free.
With regard to depression, God has worked a miracle in my life in this area. The down feelings no longer turn into depression.
With regard to shame and self-hatred, after feeling loved and accepted by God and others, I am now learning to love and accept myself.
With regard to anger towards God, I rarely curse God or take His name in vain in my heart anymore. There are occasions where I want to blame God, but He has been gracious to show me that it isn’t His fault.
With regard to anger towards people and unforgiveness, I have forgiven most, if not all, people who have wounded me. I have learned that forgiveness is extremely difficult but well worth the effort. I have also learned that it is a continual process because there will always be people who offend you.
4th – Outreach
The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 3-4:
“ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
Rick Warrens says that “the area of our greatest pain is the area of our greatest ministry”. Isn’t it ironic that God uses what the world sees as our weakness to actually be our strength? Perhaps the Lord is calling some of you here tonight to the recovery ministry. If you have suffered any sort of pain and been comforted by God, then God has uniquely qualified you.
Obtaining the total freedom in Christ that He died to give us is a process. It does not happen overnight but instead comes overtime as we continually renew our minds and become more like Him.
Please keep this in mind as you are putting the steps in this program into practice. Inevitably, like learning to ride a bike or learning to snow ski, you will fall down. So, don’t be surprised if you don’t get it exactly right the first few times. Most people fall a few, several, or even many times before getting it right.
Get up, brush yourself off, confess your sin to the Lord, accept His forgiveness, grace, mercy, and love, and try again.
“For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again…”
Proverbs 24:16
Eventually, with Jesus Christ as your Higher Power, you will be victorious.
I will leave you with one of my favorite scriptures, it is Isaiah 42:6-7 (NLTv1):
“I, the Lord, have called you to demonstrate my righteousness. I will guard and support you, for I have given you to my people as the personal confirmation of my covenant with them. And you will be a light to guide all nations to me. You will open the eyes of the blind and free the captives from prison. You will release those who sit in dark dungeons.”
Thank you.
### The above text was taken from our new book #SlayingLifesDragonsandBeasts and sanitized to make it more appropriate for this blog. ###
[This blog entry is Part 2 of a two part series. For Part 1, please click here.]
gary lee millner.com 